Post by James Ivan Kingsley on Apr 16, 2008 4:00:06 GMT -5
From Our Readers
I have a very profound idea for a new novel, a blockbuster if handled in the right way. The name of it will be "The Maltese Millionaire"; a tribute to Leona Helmsley's heir, a wonderful dog whose loyalty to the queen of mean transcended the mundane aspects of inter-species love. My research has revealed a very caring individual who only bit the housekeeper, who rightfully was made to sit on the floor and feed Trouble his fillet mignon piece by piece with her fingers, the body guards, the head of security, some of Leona's customers and once in awhile the chef. Trouble must have had a great deal of insight into human behavior since he never bit the hand who paid for his meals, only the ones who gave them to him. I have some very important questions to ask Trouble, among which are; "how much did your diamond collar cost? Are the grandchildren going to be put up for auction since they didn't inherit anything? And, did you really kiss Leona on the mouth?" I was hoping some readers may have some intimate knowledge of Trouble's thoughts and activities as I've tried to contact Helmsley's sister-in-law for an interview, but the only answers I received were, "Trouble is in very poor health right now and is not talking to reporters," and "it's none of your business."
-Matt
Matt, I would be very interested in such a project. Leona Helmsley's dog has proven market value and could easily land a book deal from any of the top New York publishing houses. I say this not as a joke but as a tribute to the power of the publishing industry and marketing wizards that steer it. I commission you to write a story Helmsley's air provided you interview several experts and the dog in question.
-James Ivan Kingsley
Mr. Kingsley, what is the publishing industry's view of O.J. Simpson and the controversial book “If I Did It?”
-Marlise
Like many notable names in publishing, I have no strong opinion on morality. I simply want to produce a marketable product. Does Orenthal have an established readership? Yes. Would his book sell? Of course. This is one of the few books I can think of that wouldn't need an extensive marketing campaign. My only objection to the whole scenario is that the individuals, ah, what is their name? The Goldman family. Why are they seeking profits for the book? I understand their motivation. To bankrupt the man whom they believe murdered their son. But my objection is that they are not traditionally published authors. Therefore, why should they collect the paychecks of someone who obviously understands the publishing world like O.J. Simpson?
-James Ivan Kingsley
Television Review:
What does it take to become the mother of an all-star athlete and child super hero? Six mothers are about to find out as they compete for the position of their school’s number one soccer moms. Debbie Starr is the only one out of the six contestants who doesn’t own an SUV. Without it there is little chance of her acquiring stardom. Her choices are few. Will she cash in her life insurance policy, accept a telecommuting job or will she sleep with her husband’s boss, who owns a car dealership? She must decide quickly if she hopes to become our show’s leading soccer mom.
Sharon Speedback has paid for private tutors since her son was three, yet he’s failing in mathematics this year. He might be pulled off the football team if he doesn’t do better than a forty percent grade average. What should Sharon do? Her choices are giving the mathematics teacher a gift of a brand new SUV as her husband owns a car dealership, or sleeping with the teacher. Or does Sharon have other plans? She has been caught looking at designs for new uniforms!
It’s been bad news for Michelle Coleman this year. Her super athlete, Coby, has torn the ligaments in his arm from pitching baseballs last spring. An injury generally found in professional players after many years of pitching, Michelle is proud of her son’s continued determination to be the best, and has paid thousands of dollars to restore the injured arm. Will Coby be able to play this year? Michelle hopes so. Without his master pitch, she won’t have a chance of becoming the number one soccer mom.
Lucille Shriller has been the number one favorite of soccer mom fans for the last two years. Always generous with her supply of school banners, hats, buttons and beer with her friends, Lucille is famous for her arguments with referees and umpires and rarely leaves a game without fighting with the moms from the opposite team. Does Lucille have everything it takes to become the extreme soccer mom champion? We’ll find out!
The final two contestants are veterans in the soccer mom battle. At each other’s throats since their children first started school, they’ve been alternately successful in den mother awards, popcorn sellers, field trip organizers and community board directors. This year, they are both contending for the position of President of their school’s PTA. Will it be Patricia Primrose who recently revealed that her rival has slept with the car dealer and his employees or will it be Angela Lavish who admits she has a loving heart but doesn’t feel it should interfere with her ability to govern the well-being of children? It’s a close battle. Patricia has rallied the moral majority but Angela has been able to monopolize two and a half hours of every PTA meeting with her energetic discussions on new window dressings, an impressionable record for any aspiring candidate. With a presidency secured, either one of them could win that coveted title and become the Most Extreme Soccer Mom! You won’t want to miss this live action, drama filled show, so stay tuned to your local RBS (regurgitated bull shit) network and watch the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat in the Most Extreme Soccer Mom!
A great review! It sounds like a great show and definitely marketable. There are many soccer moms out there just aching to watch entertainment that they can relate to.
-James Ivan Kingsley
I have a very profound idea for a new novel, a blockbuster if handled in the right way. The name of it will be "The Maltese Millionaire"; a tribute to Leona Helmsley's heir, a wonderful dog whose loyalty to the queen of mean transcended the mundane aspects of inter-species love. My research has revealed a very caring individual who only bit the housekeeper, who rightfully was made to sit on the floor and feed Trouble his fillet mignon piece by piece with her fingers, the body guards, the head of security, some of Leona's customers and once in awhile the chef. Trouble must have had a great deal of insight into human behavior since he never bit the hand who paid for his meals, only the ones who gave them to him. I have some very important questions to ask Trouble, among which are; "how much did your diamond collar cost? Are the grandchildren going to be put up for auction since they didn't inherit anything? And, did you really kiss Leona on the mouth?" I was hoping some readers may have some intimate knowledge of Trouble's thoughts and activities as I've tried to contact Helmsley's sister-in-law for an interview, but the only answers I received were, "Trouble is in very poor health right now and is not talking to reporters," and "it's none of your business."
-Matt
Matt, I would be very interested in such a project. Leona Helmsley's dog has proven market value and could easily land a book deal from any of the top New York publishing houses. I say this not as a joke but as a tribute to the power of the publishing industry and marketing wizards that steer it. I commission you to write a story Helmsley's air provided you interview several experts and the dog in question.
-James Ivan Kingsley
Mr. Kingsley, what is the publishing industry's view of O.J. Simpson and the controversial book “If I Did It?”
-Marlise
Like many notable names in publishing, I have no strong opinion on morality. I simply want to produce a marketable product. Does Orenthal have an established readership? Yes. Would his book sell? Of course. This is one of the few books I can think of that wouldn't need an extensive marketing campaign. My only objection to the whole scenario is that the individuals, ah, what is their name? The Goldman family. Why are they seeking profits for the book? I understand their motivation. To bankrupt the man whom they believe murdered their son. But my objection is that they are not traditionally published authors. Therefore, why should they collect the paychecks of someone who obviously understands the publishing world like O.J. Simpson?
-James Ivan Kingsley
Television Review:
What does it take to become the mother of an all-star athlete and child super hero? Six mothers are about to find out as they compete for the position of their school’s number one soccer moms. Debbie Starr is the only one out of the six contestants who doesn’t own an SUV. Without it there is little chance of her acquiring stardom. Her choices are few. Will she cash in her life insurance policy, accept a telecommuting job or will she sleep with her husband’s boss, who owns a car dealership? She must decide quickly if she hopes to become our show’s leading soccer mom.
Sharon Speedback has paid for private tutors since her son was three, yet he’s failing in mathematics this year. He might be pulled off the football team if he doesn’t do better than a forty percent grade average. What should Sharon do? Her choices are giving the mathematics teacher a gift of a brand new SUV as her husband owns a car dealership, or sleeping with the teacher. Or does Sharon have other plans? She has been caught looking at designs for new uniforms!
It’s been bad news for Michelle Coleman this year. Her super athlete, Coby, has torn the ligaments in his arm from pitching baseballs last spring. An injury generally found in professional players after many years of pitching, Michelle is proud of her son’s continued determination to be the best, and has paid thousands of dollars to restore the injured arm. Will Coby be able to play this year? Michelle hopes so. Without his master pitch, she won’t have a chance of becoming the number one soccer mom.
Lucille Shriller has been the number one favorite of soccer mom fans for the last two years. Always generous with her supply of school banners, hats, buttons and beer with her friends, Lucille is famous for her arguments with referees and umpires and rarely leaves a game without fighting with the moms from the opposite team. Does Lucille have everything it takes to become the extreme soccer mom champion? We’ll find out!
The final two contestants are veterans in the soccer mom battle. At each other’s throats since their children first started school, they’ve been alternately successful in den mother awards, popcorn sellers, field trip organizers and community board directors. This year, they are both contending for the position of President of their school’s PTA. Will it be Patricia Primrose who recently revealed that her rival has slept with the car dealer and his employees or will it be Angela Lavish who admits she has a loving heart but doesn’t feel it should interfere with her ability to govern the well-being of children? It’s a close battle. Patricia has rallied the moral majority but Angela has been able to monopolize two and a half hours of every PTA meeting with her energetic discussions on new window dressings, an impressionable record for any aspiring candidate. With a presidency secured, either one of them could win that coveted title and become the Most Extreme Soccer Mom! You won’t want to miss this live action, drama filled show, so stay tuned to your local RBS (regurgitated bull shit) network and watch the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat in the Most Extreme Soccer Mom!
A great review! It sounds like a great show and definitely marketable. There are many soccer moms out there just aching to watch entertainment that they can relate to.
-James Ivan Kingsley